real self love habits that will change your life forever
What Is Self Love, Really?
According to Oxford Languages, self-love is “regard for one’s own well-being and happiness.”
The Brain & Behavior Research Foundation defines it as “a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological, and spiritual growth.”
Key words? Regard for one’s well-being and appreciation for oneself.
For me, those words are synonymous with one simple concept: CARE or, more specifically, self-care. At the heart of the self-love conversation lies care, and I’m going to tell you why.
I have some unpopular opinions about this topic that might just help you finally crack it for yourself.
The Biblical Lens
Because this is a Christian lifestyle blog, let’s start with God’s definition of love.
Usually, when we quote this verse, we’re thinking about the love we extend to other people.
But here’s the thing — that love shouldn’t be exclusive to others. You deserve it too.
This is biblical:
Here’s my controversial take:
God wouldn’t command us to love others if He hadn’t already given us love And… for him to proceed to say as we love ourselves includes self-love. How we love others is meant to mirror how we love ourselves.
Notice how 1 Corinthians defines love as a verb, not a noun. It’s not just a feeling; it’s something we practice. So I’d like to challenge your thinking, don’t you think maybe you feel like you lack self love not because you don’t have it but because you don’t know how to practice it?
PROMPT
– How do you show love to other people (what sort of things do you do for the people you love?)? do you do those things for yourself too?
– What’s your primary love language? ( You can list in order of importance to you : Acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time ) – All these are important for anyone to feel 100% satiated but there’s usually one or 2 that one needs to receive to feel loved. How do you show up for yourself in YOUR love language?
HOW TO BUILD REAL SELF LOVE
I don’t think self-love is as distant as people make it seem. Neglect is often mistaken for hate. For example, when a mother gives her child up for adoption, some may see it as hatred, but often it’s because she believes someone else can nurture the child better than she can. You may not agree with the action, but the reason stems from love that’s misinterpreted.
Perhaps you do love yourself, you’ve just neglected yourself or never learned how to properly care for yourself. We do this in relationships too: we love but don’t always know how to demonstrate it.
Why can’t the same be true for self-love, the love we in fact HAVE for ourself?
It troubles me that self-love is often framed as a “quest.” I believe it’s not a distant destination but something we already abound in.
The very fact that you can feel depressed, anxious, or deeply affected by your life is evidence of love. You care, you want better, you try even if you fail, you hurt, you dream, you hope; Bestie, that’s LOVE. No one invests so much empathy and heart into something they hate. Think about it!
How to Exercise Self Love
1. Be Patient with Yourself
You extend grace to others when they hurt you, extend the same grace to yourself. You’re living life for the first time; you will make mistakes, fail, and disappoint yourself. Patience allows growth.
2. Be Kind to Yourself
Hold yourself accountable, yes. but don’t berate yourself. Negative self-talk paralyses. Say,
“I haven’t done great here, but I’m capable of transcending my problems,”
instead of
“I’m such a loser; life is so difficult.”
The latter lacks objectivity. Unless you’re reading this from the grave, you’ve survived 100% of your worst days. You can overcome the next one too.
3. Don’t Compare Yourself to Others
Comparison is truly the thief of joy. The only time to look over the fence is to admire or draw inspiration, not to do double takes between their yard and yours. Life is deeply private; you never fully know what someone has gone through to be where they are.
Gratitude is the antidote. Count your blessings intentionally. Gratitude inspires abundance.
4. Don’t Dishonour Yourself
Decide what you like, what you dislike, and stand firm on it. Refuse to remain in environments where your boundaries are crossed, your presence is undervalued, or you are consistently put down. Removing yourself from dishonour is self-love in action.
5. Forgive Yourself
If you want a healthy relationship with yourself, you must forgive yourself; for neglect, for poor decisions, for staying in draining situations, for missed opportunities. Forgiveness breaks internal chains.
Yes you should’ve done this and that, but you didn’t and it’s in the past. Rehearsing it in the present is only stealing your peace. The only thing to do about the past is to learn from it, use the ruins as stepping blocks for a present and future you know you can have.
Mistakes happen (as accidents or conscious decisions), it is ok. Get Up!
Bestie, you are the biggest and best project you’ll ever work on. Many who believe they lack self-love actually give care lavishly to others but fail to give themselves the same.
If the love you give to others drains you, it’s likely flowing from a neglected and unwatered well. Don’t feel guilty for actively pursuing yourself, that’s how you become a better lover of others. People who take care of others by neglecting themselves grow up to be resentful, angry, and the biggest victims of life which ultimately sours the relationships they have/had with the people they claimed to love.
Habits of People Who Practice Self-Love
- They Do the Hard Things
There’s no greater act of love than taking responsibility. It’s not always fun, but it’s necessary. Show up for your goals that’s how you show up for yourself. Sit with yourself and figure out what’s wrong no matter how hard it is. “The alternative to valued responsibility is impulsive, low class pleasure” – Dr J Peterson, and that my friend is how you start deteriorating.
2. They Practice Positive Self-Talk
This isn’t gaslighting yourself. It’s emotional regulation. Say, “I will overcome this,” not “I’m fine” when you’re clearly not. You want to figure out what’s wrong without picking yourself apart way more than is necessary, then you have to believe that you are capable of transcending your problems. How you talk must be in alignment with what you believe.
3. They Take Accountability
Life is hard, and people will hurt you. But your response is your responsibility. Take ownership of your part, forgive yourself, and move forward without identifying yourself with the hurt.
4. They Set Boundaries
Not everyone will like you, and that’s okay. Forget fitting in. If you’re not impressed by your own compromise, why are you doing it? ( Reminder: You are part of the society you are trying to impress, so your opinion matters too. And when it comes to YOUR life, it matters more than anyone else’s. CLOCK THAT!)
5. They Maintain Themselves
This isn’t self-indulgence; it’s stewardship. Go to the spa, eat out, read a good book, travel, whatever replenishes you do it. Make time and treat it as one of your monthly top priorities.
6. They Build Themselves Up
Strive to become the healthiest, most educated (not just through school/degrees), and Godly version of yourself. Learn new skills, move your body, read your Bible, and keep growing.
Books on Self-Love
The Gifts of Imperfection — Brené Brown
Sin, Pride & Self‑Acceptance: The Problem of Identity in Theology & Psychology by Terry D. Cooper
Finding Self‑Worth in Christ by June Hunt
What to Say When You Talk to Yourself — Shad Helmstetter
Podcasts on Self-Love & Development
- On Purpose — Jay Shetty
- The Mark Manson Show
- Jordan Peterson Podcast
- Diary of a CEO — Steven Bartlett
- The Mel Robbins Podcast
10 Self-Love Affirmations
Here are some you can use daily:
- I am worthy of love and care.
- I treat myself with patience and kindness.
- My past does not define my value.
- I choose gratitude over comparison.
- I honour my boundaries.
- I forgive myself for my mistakes.
- I am responsible for my growth.
- I can overcome challenges.
- I am becoming the best version of myself.
- I love myself deeply and healthily.
Final Thoughts
Self-love is tending to yourself friend, a healthy demonstration of care. Be committed to your well-being. Ultimately, that commitment will satisfy the hunger you have for yourself.
What’s your biggest struggle with loving yourself? Let’s chat in the comments below.